Monday, August 30, 2010


This year I show my appreciation towards Malaysia's independence by:

1. Switching on my red-bulbed shell-shaped lamp.
2. Switching on the blue-bulbed chandelier.
3. Switching on my yellow bulbed down lights.
4. Lying down and looking at all the colored lights that represent the colors that make-up the Malaysian flag and finally staring at the white walls wondering when can we actually be truly independent and forward in our systems, culture, and thinking.


As I was spring-cleaning after a long period of procrastination, I found AHMAD again!
I've lost AHMAD not long after I found AHMAD AGAIN after it was lost for the first time.Or was it the second.
I gave up hope. I never thought I'd see AHMAD again.
I found AHMAD amongst other things which I have lost for quite some time.
I hope I shall never lose AHMAD again.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

After Prayers

I entered the room and found out that a paintball tournament was just about to begin. So without any prior notice, I became a part of your team. I had no time to be nervous as you immediately discussed strategy. My heart was fluttering but I appeared calm. We must win the game. I wanted to make you proud. There were so many people in the other team.
I couldn't remember whether we won or lost for the next thing I knew I was at a party wearing a deep purple dress.

There was a contest for those who were in purple but I did not participate. I remembered Patrick did. He was so confident. I did contemplate in trying for it when I saw a hot lady whom I thought looked rather familiar. I said hi to her and introduced myself and asked her whether she has done modeling before and whether she wanted to become a model. That was when a few other girls approached us and congratulated her and said they were proud to meet her in person. That's when I knew that she was this year's Miss Universe Malaysia 2010. No wonder she looked familiar. I felt stupid for a moment and slightly embarrassed but I covered it up well.
Plus, my mind was too occupied with something else. My paintball team leader.
Of course I knew him way before that paintball tournament.I was looking around the room wondering where he could be. Only to see my friend who's a Miss Universe Malaysia 2010 finalist approaching with a big beautiful smile and waving at me. She looked gorgeous in her shining gold top and jeans. Simple, yet elegant. She should have been Miss Universe Malaysia instead of snobby lady.

I said hi to her, kissed her cheeks and let her float with all the other pageants and friends, and then I left the room, seeing that you were nowhere to be found.
As I walked out of the room, I saw you getting into your silver-grey luxurious car. Not the latest model though, but still considered luxurious.
You drove off, and I followed.
I knew you saw me, because I saw you staring at me when you thought I wasn't looking as you drove past.

I followed you and we stopped at a school. I walked past the classrooms, and I saw you smiling and talking to a fair-skinned Chinese looking girl. You were both walking out of the school and you saw me. You were looking at me 'that same way' again.
As if your eyes are saying that you long to be with me, but you can't.

You left the school with her and drove off. I followed. Until you stopped your car at one of the old shop-houses. I peered through the window and I saw you sitting at what looked like an old 'kopitiam' table and stool. She asked you to wait for a while. I was waiting anxiously too. Then she came back, carrying what looked like a baby boy. I was shocked, surprised, and speechless. A million thoughts were racing in my mind. Is that your child? Did you have the child with her? Who is this girl to you? The baby must have been about 6 months old. You smiled when you saw him. You immediately carried the baby and sat him on the table.
He was fair and chubby, cute and adorable. Just like you. And her. Then you held his chubby hands.I felt slightly hurt for I'm wondering what secrets you have been keeping from everyone. Is he illegitimate? Your love- child?

And as if you could sense my presence, you turned your head behind. It was too late for me to run. You looked shocked, and you stared at me the same way you usually do. That longing look in your eyes, wanting to be with me. Sometimes it appears as if you are apologizing that you can't be with me for some reason.

And as usual, I woke up, feeling confused and wondering what is the meaning of all this.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Sometimes it's easier to have no choices to choose from because when you do, you're stuck at having to make a decision. And the hardest part is making a wise one. Then, you're in a dilemma.